I am sure you have at one time in your life been on the receiving end of the practical joker who comes to pick you up.  There you are approaching the vehicle when all of a sudden, as you go to grab the door’s handle, the car suddenly jerks away and leaves you looking the fool.  Pretty funny.  You walk up to the car again laughing because the driver is a friend and WHAM, the car pulls away again.  Not as funny this time.  This is how life can feel sometimes when a soul pursues hopes, goals and changes.  It can be frustrating and is almost always a test in humility… but in the end it will stop.  At some point you will either get into that car or take another direction.

The truth is that my life has continually provided me with everything I have ever wanted and needed… and some wonderful things that I didn’t expect.  Never, however, have these things arrived for me when I wanted them to.  Not in my time.  The dangling carrot is a representation of desire.  I want this thing that is in front of me.  It feels out of reach but that, I have learned, does not make it unreachable.  Often it is in the exercise or act of reaching that one learns how to finally reach that carrot… grab the brass ring… and accomplish the goal.

Getting there is the challenge.  But what is life without a good challenge?  If life were easy and the world were handed to me on a silver platter I might actually not be the person I have become.  I am proud of the accomplishments I have had… the MANY carrots I have grabbed.  But while living in the moment the hardest part of growth is the actual growing.  Reaching a destination is heavenly… and it is always in hindsight that we are able to see how important the journey has been.

So why then do some journeys feel so arduous and endless?  More than likely it is because I am looking only at the destination… that dangling carrot… and not the place I currently inhabit.  It is interesting just how many times I am back in this very same  classroom learning this very familiar lesson.  It’s as though I having a learning disability about the easiest path to happiness.  LIVE.  I tend to concentrate on the things I am not happy with… the things I want to move away from.  I look steadily and forcefully… with the intensity I am known for… towards the path to the light.  I see it.  It is right there…. why… can’t… I… reach… it…

Damn it’s been pulled out of the way again.

Every time I forget that I am not enjoying the moment and find myself, instead, looking for solutions that are in the future, I am wasting good, precious time.  Although there is nothing wrong with the quest (growth and goals are a vital part of the human experience) I am going to relive and relearn the enjoyment and recognition of the journey until it becomes a part of my process… you know, like breathing.

I know this will be one of the toughest challenges in my life.  This one has no dangling carrots… it is often invisible and something I am completely unaware of most of the time it is happening.  But the process is improving.  Today a dangling carrot was pulled away.  I stopped.  I took a breath.  I remembered the many times in my life that I have looked back and understood why something didn’t happen as I had wanted or expected it to.  There is always a reason.  If one thing isn’t as you thought you will find another to come of it.  It’s almost bizarre how that works.  Invariably my life and its path is going to show me something that may not have occurred to me were the carrot to have been grabbed today.  In the meantime I am stopping as many times as it takes in order to remember that I am in the here and the now.

I am where I am supposed to be… even if some days that pisses me off.

And I am not quite sure I want to eat carrots every day after all.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be

But that isn’t a complaint.  I actually don’t mind being a bit other-worldly from time to time.  I like to provide an air of mystery and a spark for conversation.  They do say that it’s worse when people stop talking about you…

I have always wondered who “they” actually are.

The thing about mystery is that it isn’t always intentional.  I am a thinker… I find myself in constant analysis of the world around me.  I generate theories and either reconstruct them endlessly or go up against the wall until I am bloodied.  Many of the wisest people in my life have wonderful, practical and simple advice to deal with the fears, frustrations and idiosyncrasies of my brain.  In my personal life these people are usually those I trust with experience.  In other situations I have found myself with people who have answers that they formulate because they think they sound good, but they are actually quite transparent and don’t even realize themselves that they sound like someone who doesn’t have the answer… and in actuality are masters at avoiding a problem (as though by doing so it would go away).

I understand that these people are not trying to harm me.  They are trying to fit their own roles and are more than likely either in over their head or convinced that they do have an answer (possibly because others who are good with avoidance tendancies are telling them how good they are?)

But that is the point of being human… or at least one of them.  I have no more control of the path that I am destined for than I do what people are going to say to me.  I am an actor.  I know how to be in the appropriate places to be them.  I am not false… I don’t lie and create a personality that isn’t really who I am… because having done this for many of my younger years I am well aware that this is not an answer for a happy and fulfilling existence.

Where I am an what I am doing is not perfect.  There are days that I am not convinced that I should continue with aspects of my current world.  I do have choices and I do have options.  Some of them can be instant and others should require some thought, investigation and patience.  Some days I am good at making sure that I am reacting to the world around me as it is required.  Other days… not so much.

Being human brings all of the wonderful things that life can be about.  The joy, the experiences, the sensations, the lessons, the love.  It also has a tendency to highlight the negatives.  The sadness, fears, loneliness or doubt about any number of things.  It is downright ugly to be human from time to time… but in seeing and experiencing this ugliness I am forced to learn about the reasons and examine the answers that the lessons are providing.

I thought I would have my life figured out at some point.  That would be an expectation.  I have definitely figured out that expectations are never good for the over-thinker.  But it IS human nature to set goals or to “expect” that some things will be some ways and others will be better.  I want to find myself and understand the things that really motivate me…. even if that means that I am going to trudge the road and learn, relearn and carve out the answers with the process of elimination that mistakes will offer.

So basically being human means having to read and write blog entries like this as many times as it takes to remember that there are more things to be grateful for around me than the fearful or resentful things that I conjure up without a whole lot of effort…. that is part of this human.

The path is interesting today.  Things are changing, I am changing.  But it is all exciting and I look forward to writing about it all.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

When I returned from my last trip to London I made the decision to change how I was balancing (or perhaps NOT balancing) my personal life.  The work world is all encompassing… that has not changed… but the balance was off in my personal world.  I wasn’t giving myself enough of what I needed to quantify the reason I am here on this planet.  Sometimes I believe I forget that is important…. and I just let the days pass by.

It dawned on me that I not only needed to balance work with personal … but I needed to balance my personal as well.  I know that sounds confusing… but the fact is that one can be balanced if they leave the workplace and just go home and hibernate… but for me that is not (nor never was) the complete picture.  I need to make sure that I am out and involved with the world in order to maintain the identity that is proper and real  for the path that I choose as well as the path that I do not.

For those who have no idea about what I am speaking about… I refer to how we can pigeon-hole ourselves into believing that there is an identity in who we are based only on what we do for a living.  For me… there is so much more.  I like to use my left and right brain.  I like to create as well as keep order.  I like to listen as well as to speak.  I am adamant that the world is easier and better when I give of myself and return what has been afforded me.  There is a whole philosophy that I have learned and in some periods of my life, forgotten.

But in the turmoil of my own dissatisfaction with what I saw myself becoming in 2009… I made the commitment to make sure that changed.

Change takes time and often there is very little to see in result.  In this day and age it is not unusual for a soul to want to see something instantly… or they may decide without the proper evidence that the process is not working.  Although I have only been on this part of my path for a couple of months I am willing to believe that the calm I am feeling is a direct result of the changes I have committed to.

I shall remind myself of this when the next pothole appears.

Be Happy.  Be Well. Be.

I once heard a story about Hockey player Wayne Gretzky and an answer he gave to the question about how many goals he had been able to achieve.  His answer:  “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

So true.

I spent earlier years of my life talking about everything I wanted to do and be.  I have always called this my “sitting on the bar stool” stage.  I did some mean planning while having cocktails.  I was going places.  I was destined.  I was on my way…. to a hangover, where I would undoubtedly forget the plans and future that I had so carefully mapped out the night before.

The problem with the bar stool life method is that one doesn’t tend to get very far.  Often only to a new bar stool.  Talk is cheap.  It would be very nice if the world would just come to us and offer all the many things that we feel we deserve.  The relationships, the careers, the money, the success… the happiness are all ours by right should we decide to get up off our asses and do something to make them a possibility.

Warning: satisfaction not guaranteed.  Sometimes the action provides a result that we feel we could have done without.  Invariably I have learned more from the things I didn’t enjoy than the ones that came easy.  Sad, but true.

But taking the action is always a positive.  If I believe I am able to do or be something in my world it is vital that I take the steps to make that happen.  It is not, as I have mentioned above, going to be handed to me on a silver platter.  HELL, most people aren’t going to believe you are capable of things if you don’t step up and show them it is there.  Without the action there is nobody to blame if you are not achieving the goals you want.  Without the action there is every reason to fall into moods of self-deprecation or delusion that who you are is enough for this lifetime.  It is very easy to settle.

That isn’t to say that who you are ISN’T who you want to be.  Sometimes people have reached a satisfying goal… undoubtedly reached by some form of action.  But, speaking for myself, I can say that there is more of a ratio of people out there that continue to have a dream or two of something more than they have already achieved in their lives.  Each achievement that we’ve made is proof that we are capable of action and each should be a barometer … a piece of solid proof that we can do it again.

Convince yourself.

There are still many things to do on my bucket list.  I have places to go, things to see… and accomplishments that have been part of my inside identity since I was young.  While there are no guarantees that I will hit everything on that list I’ve created… I can pretty much know for sure that I will not do them if I don’t make the attempt.

I cannot win the lottery if I don’t have a ticket.  I cannot know that I will not be a working writer if I don’t pitch the stories or attempt to publish the books.  I cannot get the role if I don’t audition for the part.  I will not get to the 2012 Olympics in London if I don’t make the plans and book the rooms and flights.

Action is infectious.  For every action I take, whether it provide me a success or a “failure” (knowing that my failure is possibly the point towards a future success… or at the very least a good lesson towards it…)  I find the surrounding feeling exhilarating and magically intense.  I live on the adrenalin of breaking my own barriers and stepping out of routines.  There is nothing more rewarding than taking a good leap of faith.  What better way to test and practice it?

Currently I am taking several action steps in my life.  They are feeding me and giving me the happiness that a human craves.  There is a fantasy that is part of this process… the thought of what could be.  It’s like buying a lottery ticket, each time you do it could potentially change your life.  Every action is a lottery (most with far better odds).  There is no “trying” to do something, you either do it or you don’t. Trying is not necessarily the best show of commitment that could be made.  Take the action with a passion that will provide that 100% effort.  The result is not always up to us… and with the expectation kept to a minimum we will gain from any result that is achieved.

How’s your week going?  Get up off of that bar stool and take that action!!

Be Well.  Be Happy.  Be.

Although I am not one to buy into crass commercialism and its manipulation to purchase what should, realistically, be something from the heart… I do tend to nod my head in agreement with those who find this holiday a bit overwrought with guilt factors and the painful reminder for some that there is no “valentine” to celebrate with.

There really is nothing wrong with the idea or concept of the “valentine” as a representation or reminder of love or infatuation.  I suppose for me, like the New Year’s resolution, I find it hard to understand why this sort of event or feeling should be relegated to one day per year?  Why is it not something that comes when the time is right and the situation is clear?  For instance… for those here on February 14th who are between relationships it could be more of a stressful day or a sad reminder than it is a day of chocolate, flowers and red, pink and white cards.

I know, I know… it is an industry.  Cards, flowers, chocolate and romantic restaurants are making a killing on a day like today.  Our economy is always in need of this sort of spending… isn’t it?  Shouldn’t we be looking at the crass commercialism as the other side of the coin that keeps this fine nation on its feet?

But what if Valentines Day was to be decided by the individual?  What if Someone were to meet their true love on February 15th?  Are they shit out of luck because the “day” has passed or is it not recommendable that they could promote their own individual holiday for the person that they meet… whenever it is time to do so?

For this very reason I don’t believe in the New Years resolution simply because I believe that I should be making changes for health and growth throughout my year.  It’s a lazy man’s excuse to only make resolutions one day a year and… then not try again until the next no matter what sort of success record you retain from the resolutions you’ve already made.

I did not suffer the holiday today.  I actually celebrated it in two different ways.  First and foremost I wrote myself a valentine.  Without the love and admiration for myself there would be no chance of my having an honest relationship with anyone else out there in the world.  I sat down and I reminded ME that I am someone I would hang out with, whose company I enjoy, whose progress as a human is remarkable… and whose mistakes and defects are all simply future projects and challenges to work with.

Sealed with a Kiss.

For those of you who didn’t feel that sort of warmth, whether from yourself or a loved one (or both)… I remind us all that the ONE day that the calendar gives us for such a holiday is there for the industry alone.  We, as individuals can have the valentines day (or days) that we want whenever we choose to do so.

So… on February 15th… April 2nd… June 25th… August 17th…. November 3rd… or whatever day it feels right.

Happy Valentines.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

I remember when I was first sober and my sponsor told me that I needed to pray for patience.  Knowing that this man had experience and knowledge that I desperately needed I did not think twice about the suggestion and found myself on my knees nightly praying for patience with sincerity… something that had always been foreign and very uncomfortable for me.

Unfortunately it did not take long for me to realize that if one prays for patience, one ends up receiving situations in their life that they would need patience for.  That isn’t to say if you don’t pray for it there will be no situations… but it sure did seem that my focus ended up being in all the many things that were hard to handle and out of whack… and how little patience I had for all these situations at that time in my life.

In order to find the way to become a patient man… I had to learn what patience actually was…  and that, my friends, is a lesson that I may always be learning.  This would not be an admission to still being an impatient soul, for the most part I have learned valuable lessons about reactions to people, places and things and the inconsistencies of what I believe I want and what the world and my path seems to believe I should have.  The track between these two different factions of my world have grown closer over the years through simple maturity, practice, the breaking of old or creating of new habits and intense and magical focus, focus, focus.

The practice of patience is an exercise in breathing and awareness.  Both these aspects of the human experience have been a huge part of the growth I have wanted and achieved over the last couple of decades.  That does not make patience a given… not by a longshot.  Instead what it does is allow me to think about the need for the patience… take a deep breath and then refocus my energies elsewhere in order to do my best and stay in a moment rather than pushing ahead towards future where I “believe” what I want will be.  It may not be there.  It may never be there.  If it isn’t there it isn’t supposed to be.  If it is it will be worth the waiting and the patience will have served its purpose.

So what, you may ask, is the point behind blogging about patience?  Read anything I have been writing.  I am looking for and living in a world that is shrouded in desire for change.  Even though I am very much aware through everything I have EVER learned that the process of change is ongoing and whatever it is that I am going to experience will happen in its own time… not mine… I am still pushing myself out of the moments and into a place that isn’t necessarily real.

The only thing that is absolutely real is the moment I am in.  One might argue that the past is real… and I won’t debate that.  But I am one who tends to push myself forever onward and discards the past… not out of regret… not out of denial… but out of the simple fact that I am in classroom Earth and I want to continue to progress, not regress.  I like the thought of being able to reminisce… and I would be perfectly happy in a world that is filled with the music that I lived and enjoyed in the 80’s.  But if I am going to be progressing through this planet chronologically… I am going to advance myself in thought, mind and creativity as well.

Some days, however, I get a bit ahead of myself and I fail to enjoy and celebrate the points that I have been striving for that I have reached today.  The only thing I can do when I recognize this behavior is to stop, breath and remember:

patience is a virtue.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

This could have been the paragraph where I drop subtle hints about the plans that I am making and the reasons that I am coming to the conclusions about needed changes in my life… but that would be too easy.  The truth is that there is still fog on the path… I am taking steps that I cannot be sure they are going to land me where I “want” to be… but the whole point behind trust and faith is to believe that you will always land where you “need” to be, and with an open mind, that the “need” becomes a “want” as well.  So in keeping with the tone I like to set both for myself and anyone who might actually be reading this entry… I want to express that the point behind the leap is natural and not in the least bit unexpected.  It is time to change, and when it gets down to a cyclical frustration with situations, the changes have to become about releasing something  I am holding on to… and this usually means that they are based on fear.

There are two parts of my life that are transitioning.  One I am currently transitioning out of and the other I will be as soon as I have a few more pieces of the puzzle in place.  Neither are working  as they once did and although many attempts have been made to work out a different perspective within the parts (and, naturally, within myself) it became obvious that I need to walk away and move on to different challenges.

I believe in challenges with all of my heart and soul.  When something isn’t working as I would like it to I don’t subscribe to a selfish need to fix it and make it be only what I want it to be…  many of the challenges that I didn’t want turned out to be the ones that gave me the most in the end.   It is human nature, however, to be wary of situations when they begin to take advantage of the strengths (or perhaps weaknesses) that an individual possesses.  When the challenges become blind and blatant and no longer provide me with growth, experience or pleasure… I reserve the right to question the motives or the challenges themselves and look down different paths to discover whether or not I may have strayed off of the proper one that will provide me with the fullest of my own life joys. Although it feels like sour grapes… it is important not to take people for granted, no matter what type of relationship it is.

In the case of the situation I am already transitioning from.  The mere decision to move on has provided me with peace, happiness and love.  Sometimes relationships are broken, be they with people or with things.  Letting go can be cathartic and life affirming.  Life requires an inventory be taken from time to time.  The path should be afforded a bit of feng shui…. allowing for new and different growth experiences by discarding or moving the ones that may have outlasted their purpose or power to affect the positive results ALL challenges richly deserve to afford.

What I do with the second piece is something I must still figure out in its entirety.  This is where the leap of faith comes in.  I must recognize that nothing… absolutely nothing happens on my own time.  I must trust that I am doing what I need to (and want) to be doing while I remain in the fog of confusion that some of these situations can install.  In the end I will step into what I am supposed to be doing.  I will see the path far more clearly and perhaps even understand the point of the confusions I experienced… more importantly I will remember that everyone I meet upon it is there to potentially teach me something.

Just knowing that, to me, is about stepping into optimism.  No good comes from any other way of thinking.  With that in mind I am going to step into February (as I complete this in the last moments of January) with a new energy and positive “leap.”  Some of the situations and people will not have changed… so, once again, I must do the work myself.  But then I wouldn’t expect anyone to do it besides myself… the end result wouldn’t be as rewarding.

Onward.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

For me life is a series of battles between taking an overly focused control of all aspects and surrendering the results.  Were the surrender an easy lesson that could be maintained to avoid the other side of the battlefield it is entirely possible I would not be writing a blog chronicling the journey of learning and the ever-present classroom I exist within.  Since this is not the case… the second best treaty is to remind myself as many times as is necessary to recall what I feel like while in surrender… and when I am not.  The difference is a classic night and day scenario…. it is the beauty of peacetime for a soul who has lived in war.

The need for change is ever-present in my mind.  This is a classic mindset for the over-thinker.  I have always and very possibly WILL always consider there is something better than what I have.   I have more and more moments of gratitude and “in the present” reality as the years go on.  But the lesson must continue if I am to ever truly appreciate the changes that happen…  after all, a life concentrated only on striving for something different is confusing, frustrating, often disappointing and nowhere near the positive focus that the owner of said life would think it to be.  Striving only to be better and different leaves the focus of the present unappreciated.

My whole life I have heard the phrase “Stop and smell the Roses”.  I thought… “this is good advice and if I had more time I would do just that.”  When I have the opportunity and when I am in the places that I consider “correct” I do stop.  But there are all too many times that I am not satisfied and I stop living in that moment and push myself feverishly into a stage of over-thinking.  One of my strengths (and subsequent weaknesses) is a passion for honesty and communication.  In order to live authentically one must not allow themselves to be what they feel others need them to be.  I thrive on my communication to others and I depend on their communication with me.

This isn’t to say that communication should be done haphazardly.  I am not naive.  I want to live intelligently.  I am educated in life and experience, and I know that living authentically… even if one tends to not have a filter, is to also live wisely and graciously.  I still trust in karma and wholeheartedly believe that the best way to live is to treat others as I would want to be treated myself.

This does not always work.  I am not always stellar in my behavior.   I want to be but I must forgive myself when it is not the best of days.  For the most part I have learned to curb the reactions and behaviors of my past and most of that IS authentic.  Habits are made to be broken as easily as we create them in the first place.  With honest and committed work I know that I am being the person that I believe to be constantly growing and improving.  But the side-effect that does occur from this sort of personality (mixed with my inherent over-thinking) is withholding of feelings, frustrations and reactions.  If they are left inside they create a bubbling anger, resentment and sadness… and that is what sends me out of the moment and into the search for what is going to change the way I feel.  Change is my pot of gold.  What is over that hill?  Whatever it is… whether I know what I want or just want something different, it is going to be better.

Or is it?  It would have to be obvious to me by now that changes are happening every single day.  Am I aware enough to benefit from the magic they may be offering?  OR… is it possible that I am missing the point of the changes that ARE happening because I am too busy continuing to look for something that I am not quite sure of at all.  Do I know what sort of change will make me happy or is it possible that the changes have to happen mentally for me to actually start to recognize, realize, understand and embrace the physical?

And then I heard this simple phrase:  “Let the river run.”

The potential for this sort of surrender is almost overwhelmingly easy.  Think about it.  Change is inevitable.  Change is constant.  Change is everywhere and in everything.  Change is going to happen no matter what I do or think I am trying to do to achieve it.  So what if I were to allow this river of change to simply flow as it will do with or without my help?  A lot could actually be accomplished with this.  I could stop thinking so much about what I need to do (which is often unfocused and dis-jointed because it is coming from places of fear or assumptions of slight.)  I could live in the moment and realize the things that are there (often missed when one is looking everywhere else for everything different.)  I could become more aware of the surroundings and offerings that come naturally without my over-thinking, searching and plotting.  I could see and find things that I might never have considered the option I would pursue … simply because of the state of mind I may have been looking for the changes in.

Let the river run.

Naturally I am now humming an Oscar winning song by Carly Simon.

Surrender is and always has been my friend.  It is fortunate (or unfortunate depending on how one looks at it) that I have reached this place so many times in my sobriety.  Fortunately I am able to see the benefits and pull myself back to a much easier place to “live” when I find surrender.  Unfortunately I can lose site of these benefits and find myself back at the war of thinking that is so easy to reach in a world of overwhelm.  Each time I find a new surrender, however, I believe I am coming closer and closer to the basic understanding of how I tick.  The more I know about my triggers and look at the scores of notebooks, journals and blog entries that chronicle the journey I am on I can see that the classroom is working.  The willingness is there for the lessons and whatever they bring with them.  Pass and fail… all provide the experience that helps me on the path.

This week I will place my inner-tube on this river and float.  I am going to watch a bit if this journey rather than missing the value of the changes I have been reaching for up to this point.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

I have been writing a lot about change these days.  I crave it like a drug.  I am aware to hope for specific changes… and honor the old rule that one should be careful what they wish for.  And I am also intuned to the constant changes that are occurring to and around me every moment.  But the craving persists and lies ever-present as a focus, which could, in itself, be a deterrent to the result I am seeking.

I have become painfully wise to the craving that I am experiencing as an illustration of a basic problem with living in the moment.  If I am seeking difference as a “fix” for whatever reason, the problem could be stemming from my not experiencing the now.  So is this a question regarding the fantasy of a changed path and dissatisfaction with my life as it is… or am I truly just looking to expand and grow in ways that I know I cannot achieve where I am?

There are moments that I feel I would be an excellent candidate for a witness relocation program (minus the crime, naturally.)  It would be nice to start over, new place, new home, new life, new identity.  I think everyone feels the need or wish to disappear from time to time.  In the real world that isn’t the answer.  I am fond of the path that I am on but it is no longer fulfilling me the way that it used to (the passion has been replaced with a sense of being taken for granted)… thus the dis-ease within my living moments and the push forward to the cravings of a different future… doing different things and enjoying new challenges that re-instill the energy and enthusiasm of a life that you wake up excited to live.

I want to turn the page.  It’s time to change the chapter…. this one has been going on a bit too long.  I am finding the repetitive nature (and serious lack of communication) of the challenges in my world to be killing the passion and motivation that is part of what should make life, living, experience and the chapter more fun.

Except the writing.  Within the writing lies an endless treasure trove of new avenues, challenges and escapes from the mundane and predictable nature of the situations and people around.

So what does one do when they want to change but have grown weary of waiting for the changes to occur?  Begin to make those changes within yourself.  Around me I am adding to or adding on routines that have been missing or never tried.  I am opening up myself to situations that I have let go or not previously considered.  I am stepping up and putting myself forward to places and people that would understand my passions and within the next couple of months could possibly offer me options and challenges that would both terrify and exhilarate my inner core.  Passion leaves no room for dissatisfaction.  I have grown weary and I look forward to a rejuvenation on very large scales.

Inner-most, however, I am concentrating on levels of patience and faith that the path that I seek (or one that I would enjoy but had not considered) will start to appear very soon.  I am taking the appropriate steps because I know the odds of success lie within my participation in the journey.  I, like anyone else, would love to wake up to the miracle.  I, like few others, don’t necessarily believe that the miracle is such a stretch.  But I do know that to rely upon and wait only for this miracle is not conducive to the finest of results in a life enjoyed and achieved.  I want to play my part by changing my behaviors, outlooks, habits, routines and clear that brush that may be hiding the path that I could be better suited for.

Change is a theme in my life.  I am proud of how much change I have worked with and mastered over the years.  Perhaps it is because of the major changes that I have conquered that I find myself in craving at this time in my life.  I am not currently growing in many areas of my life.  I am settling and doing what others need to help them on their paths.  While I do not see that as a detriment… it is not balanced and the balance will provide the happiness that eliminates (or at least tames) the craving.  I know that not everyone will agree with the logic I put forth.  I can’t allow that to deter me.  I also know that not every move I make is going to be a successful one (I have made many mistakes, most of which have become the more valuable lessons).

It is my life to change.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.

They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts….

Although I strive throughout the years of awareness (this is what I call my sobriety, considering I was painfully unaware of so many things prior to that…) to be the best I can be, learn and grow in order to progress and find happiness… I am not, I fear, always as authentic as would provide the ultimate of results.

Truth be told authenticity is not as easy as it may sound… or feel.  It is not as cut and dry and to say that one is being “honest” and the avoidance of telling a lie is not necessarily something that will be done with authenticity.  The biggest problem with human’s being authentic… is in not knowing who we really are or what IS authentic within us.  So many parts and pieces around have fed us information over the years, chief amongst them our own consciousness…. that we become filled with inauthentic personality traits without even knowing we are displaying anything less than what we would believe to be the “truth”.

I imagine that for many parts of my life I have been false, whether it is on purpose or something I believed to be real.  It is entirely possible that I have put forth imitations of people or energy that I wished to emulate only because it is part of my own personal growth process.  The intent is important… if it is coming from an honest place, at least that is authentic even if the final result isn’t quite there.

For much of my life I believe I have stepped up in areas that I could excel in merely to cover up for my own assumed inefficiencies.  Lack of esteem can be a killer… even if one does not honestly know that they are being plagued with its potentially negative effects.  Childhood into adult surroundings and influences create persona’s  in our minds that we can believe are true, but they don’t necessarily reflect the real human we are… and can be authentically.  For many (and here I include myself) there are shame cycles that will not be dealt with outwardly because for years it became easier to deny, avoid and pretend they don’t exist simply by over-compensation in other areas of my life.  And although the final result of the successes I have achieved are authentic, the personality behind them has not always been.

In this over-compensation I have created a strong personality… and a winning, successful formula for several important aspects of my life.  Growth has never been a problem because I have worked tirelessly to be “better” in order to psychologically make up for the shame I feel underneath.

No matter how much success a person experiences it is not fully realized unless it is authentic.

Although personally I am not one to believe in New Year’s resolutions (when, in fact, the strive for improvement should be happening all year around) I do believe there is no opportunity like the present… a year I intuitively feel will offer me magnificent changes and personal growth, to fully understand my own authenticity.  With the recognition of the parts of me that may be in any way false or insincere as a representation to the outer world I will be able to push myself honestly and recognize my greatest successes yet.  Real success. Perhaps successes that will aid others in realizing their authenticity as well.

What does that look like?  Perhaps I will examine the ideas and theories that revolve around success (obviously a subjective term) in future entries.  Today it only need be recognized as an equal to happiness.  Not the sort of happiness that is necessarily discovered with the comforts of money and / or fame (ask some and they will tell you that can be vapid and empty)… but the type that provides a true spiritual and AUTHENTIC sense of having arrived on a proper and well-lit “path”.

With authenticity the shames of the past are no longer the ruling force of the being.  I have been working towards this for many years and one of the primary stumbling blocks to its delivery would simply be the absence of my own power to recognize that I can work through and make it to the other side of what was being stuffed subconsciously … and covered with over-compensation.

That power is authentic.  Authenticity is power.

This is a breakthrough and in 2010 I fully expect and await many more.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.