WHAT IF I TOLD YOU…

I surrender.

For me life is a series of battles between taking an overly focused control of all aspects and surrendering the results.  Were the surrender an easy lesson that could be maintained to avoid the other side of the battlefield it is entirely possible I would not be writing a blog chronicling the journey of learning and the ever-present classroom I exist within.  Since this is not the case… the second best treaty is to remind myself as many times as is necessary to recall what I feel like while in surrender… and when I am not.  The difference is a classic night and day scenario…. it is the beauty of peacetime for a soul who has lived in war.

The need for change is ever-present in my mind.  This is a classic mindset for the over-thinker.  I have always and very possibly WILL always consider there is something better than what I have.   I have more and more moments of gratitude and “in the present” reality as the years go on.  But the lesson must continue if I am to ever truly appreciate the changes that happen…  after all, a life concentrated only on striving for something different is confusing, frustrating, often disappointing and nowhere near the positive focus that the owner of said life would think it to be.  Striving only to be better and different leaves the focus of the present unappreciated.

My whole life I have heard the phrase “Stop and smell the Roses”.  I thought… “this is good advice and if I had more time I would do just that.”  When I have the opportunity and when I am in the places that I consider “correct” I do stop.  But there are all too many times that I am not satisfied and I stop living in that moment and push myself feverishly into a stage of over-thinking.  One of my strengths (and subsequent weaknesses) is a passion for honesty and communication.  In order to live authentically one must not allow themselves to be what they feel others need them to be.  I thrive on my communication to others and I depend on their communication with me.

This isn’t to say that communication should be done haphazardly.  I am not naive.  I want to live intelligently.  I am educated in life and experience, and I know that living authentically… even if one tends to not have a filter, is to also live wisely and graciously.  I still trust in karma and wholeheartedly believe that the best way to live is to treat others as I would want to be treated myself.

This does not always work.  I am not always stellar in my behavior.   I want to be but I must forgive myself when it is not the best of days.  For the most part I have learned to curb the reactions and behaviors of my past and most of that IS authentic.  Habits are made to be broken as easily as we create them in the first place.  With honest and committed work I know that I am being the person that I believe to be constantly growing and improving.  But the side-effect that does occur from this sort of personality (mixed with my inherent over-thinking) is withholding of feelings, frustrations and reactions.  If they are left inside they create a bubbling anger, resentment and sadness… and that is what sends me out of the moment and into the search for what is going to change the way I feel.  Change is my pot of gold.  What is over that hill?  Whatever it is… whether I know what I want or just want something different, it is going to be better.

Or is it?  It would have to be obvious to me by now that changes are happening every single day.  Am I aware enough to benefit from the magic they may be offering?  OR… is it possible that I am missing the point of the changes that ARE happening because I am too busy continuing to look for something that I am not quite sure of at all.  Do I know what sort of change will make me happy or is it possible that the changes have to happen mentally for me to actually start to recognize, realize, understand and embrace the physical?

And then I heard this simple phrase:  “Let the river run.”

The potential for this sort of surrender is almost overwhelmingly easy.  Think about it.  Change is inevitable.  Change is constant.  Change is everywhere and in everything.  Change is going to happen no matter what I do or think I am trying to do to achieve it.  So what if I were to allow this river of change to simply flow as it will do with or without my help?  A lot could actually be accomplished with this.  I could stop thinking so much about what I need to do (which is often unfocused and dis-jointed because it is coming from places of fear or assumptions of slight.)  I could live in the moment and realize the things that are there (often missed when one is looking everywhere else for everything different.)  I could become more aware of the surroundings and offerings that come naturally without my over-thinking, searching and plotting.  I could see and find things that I might never have considered the option I would pursue … simply because of the state of mind I may have been looking for the changes in.

Let the river run.

Naturally I am now humming an Oscar winning song by Carly Simon.

Surrender is and always has been my friend.  It is fortunate (or unfortunate depending on how one looks at it) that I have reached this place so many times in my sobriety.  Fortunately I am able to see the benefits and pull myself back to a much easier place to “live” when I find surrender.  Unfortunately I can lose site of these benefits and find myself back at the war of thinking that is so easy to reach in a world of overwhelm.  Each time I find a new surrender, however, I believe I am coming closer and closer to the basic understanding of how I tick.  The more I know about my triggers and look at the scores of notebooks, journals and blog entries that chronicle the journey I am on I can see that the classroom is working.  The willingness is there for the lessons and whatever they bring with them.  Pass and fail… all provide the experience that helps me on the path.

This week I will place my inner-tube on this river and float.  I am going to watch a bit if this journey rather than missing the value of the changes I have been reaching for up to this point.

Be Happy.  Be Well.  Be.